The Perfect Pub. Established in 1888, the same year as the English Football League, we have been serving beer and televising the footie every Saturday ever since. We are situated on the south side of Folly Bridge, by the River Thames.
Ruby Gryskiewicz has been the Landlady since 1978. Ruby likes reading, cribbage, and rock-climbing. She is a big fan of the Oxford comma. Ruby rows for the Oxford U90s. She teaches Tang Soo Do to female students on her days off. She rides her vintage Triumph T100R motorbike in the Isle of Man TT race every year.
Ruby’s father was a Polish WWII Spitfire pilot. Her mother was a seamstress and haberdasher. Ruby grew up in Brighton and came to Westgate College to study Art History and Pub Management.
The menu has changed somewhat since Collard Green left us to open his own café. Our new chef is Jeffrey Pinkerton-Smythe. Better known as Chef Jeff. He is marvellous, but he does insist on some bloody bizarre ingredients, like anchovy in the Caesar Salad, tarragon in the chicken supreme, and Guinness in the batter for the fish ’n’ chips. He’s a bit of a posh geezer from South Kensington, so that might explain it.
We recognize the challenges while the Gents is out of order. Please use the Ladies, but don’t be a complete Firkin knob… just knock first. We own the adjacent K6 phone box. We paid BT £1 for it in 2008 and we had it restored inside and out. It is a treasured Oxford landmark. Please don’t piss in it.
It’s not a toilet. There is a security camera. Ruby will be watching!
We are open from 10 am to midnight every day. Ruby’s day off is Monday, and on those days we have a bouncer, so don’t chance it thinking you’re safe relieving yourself in the phone box.
RULES FOR THE SCREENING OF TELEVISUAL SPORTS PROGRAMMING
We usually screen one of the big Premiership matches. Ruby preferentially shows matches with the following priority:
Brighton and Hove Albion, because that’s Ruby’s hometown.
Wrexham, if they are on, because Ruby loves that handsome Ryan chap and because who hasn’t wanted Wrexham to do well since the disgraceful scandal in 2004.
AFC Richmond, because Ruby bloody loves Ted Lasso.
And, of course, Liverpool.
Please don’t ask for Man City games to be screened unless it’s a Richmond grudge match.
When the Six Nations is on, the footie will take second place to England and/or Wales rugby games. On Sundays, if there’s literally nothing else on, Formula One races may be screened with the sound off. Ruby will be found in the stockroom snoozing. Qualifying will NOT be shown on Saturdays. The Olympics will be screened, and so will football and rugby world cups. Golf is not a spectator sport.
Ruby will choose what’s on. Ruby’s decision is final. Disputes will not be entered into.
Do NOT touch the remote. Seriously. Fingers have been broken for much less.
Please also bear in mind that THE FIRKIN FOLLY is an entirely literary location, not a literal one. It’s a work of fiction. It is pretend. As good as it looks, there is sod all point going to look for it. You won’t find it. It doesn’t exist. The menu may be awesome, but if you are thirsty or hungry, Oxford is jam-packed with wonderful establishments, but this is not one of them. Ruby is not real, Chef Jeff is not real. Nobody puts bloody anchovy in a Caesar Salad, do they? That was your clue, right there.